PLEASE NOTE: Graphic content. This is my testimony of growing up in a childhood of being sexually abused. When talking about my upbringing I don't always share to the extent I am about to now. I don't do this to make you uncomfortable, feel gross, feel hatred, sad, whatever... I am sharing intimate details in order to paint a picture in order to get a glimpse of what children and teens experience who are sexually abused. Although, it is so different from story to story.
I just want it to be real.
I want my blog to be a place where people can know me and my heart. I want to be honest and transparent. I want to be able to reach out and touch peoples lives. So this will be the most personal and vulnerable I will be. It's a scary thing to push "publish live" and know reputations and lives can be shattered.
It's more scary to me that if I don't...maybe lives remain shattered. So, I trust in The Lord that this will be well received.
Why? because we all have a story to tell. Why? because of Jesus Christ I have a testimony. Oh, and because the Lord won't let up until I do so. You know that feeling. You just gotta obey.
One of my favorite portions of scripture is about the Samaritan woman at the well. You can find this story in John 4. I encourage you to read it! What I love about this story is that her encounter with Jesus rocked her whole world! After meeting Him, she went back to her town and says, "come, see a man who told me everything I have ever done. Could this be the messiah?"
One sentence. No theological debates; just what Jesus has done in her life. Scripture in verse 39 says, "Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman’s testimony". In a town where this woman had been an outcast...where she had a bad reputation of sleeping with many men whom she was not married...where she was alone....they listened to her and MANY of them believed in Him! Sometimes that's all it takes...is simply our testimony. To let others see how Jesus changes and heals people in real life!!
My testimony is so much more than growing up in an environment with multiple accounts of sexual abuse. God has done incredible things and has lead me on such a journey. But, this is a real part of our world and I want to be able to reach out and shed light on sexual abuse. I just want to show you how, in my simple life, I have endured, dealt with, forgiven, and overcome sexual abuse.
If you are close to me, you may or may not know this about me. It's not that I try to hide it or am ashamed. I just don't want to be that "downer" person in a group! When the group is conversing and you bring that up and it's like a bomb, lol. I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable and be like, "okkkk so now what do I say to that?!" or for people to want to, or feel like they should, pity me or say "sorry"! It is a sorry thing it happened, it's sorry that it happens to a lot of people! At the end of the day, it is a fact of life. It happened, it happens, and I'm still me! I don't know, I just don't feel like incidents or circumstances should overshadow your life. Happiness is not circumstantial!
Ok, so my story.
I didn't grow up in a Christian home, I was never made to go to church. I had my aunt who told me Bible stories and grandparents who were Christians and would take me to church....I just slept on their laps :) My great-grandmother read me this huge Bible with pictures and red letters for when Jesus talked, I loved it. I went to a play the college put on when I was around 8 called "Heavens gates and Hells flames". It was pretty much a scare tactic for salvation...but it worked! I gave my life to Christ that night. I still remember laying in bed night after night just talking to Jesus and praying. I begged my mom to wake up and take me to church on Sundays and Wednesdays all through middle school! She would drop me off. It's amazing that regardless of your upbringing, Jesus reaches out to you. I didn't have a perfect Christian family. I am humbled and crumble at times before Him.... that He wanted me.
My Christianity never really flourished. I always 'believed in God and tried to do right things' but the relationship didn't grow as I got older.
I was sexually abused by 3 men in my life; my babysitter, my uncle, and my father. The first two were taken care of when I was younger. My babysitter was sent to prison over another child I believe. The only thing I remember about the creepy old man and wife is that he kissed my neck and he built teddy bears in his basement. Like a horror story here. But, I was only like 3-4 so I don't remember anything. It wasn't traumatic or 'that serious' as far as I can recall. My mom and dad noticed a hickey on my neck and, obviously, freaked out. Kids overcome. They are innocent and resilient like that.
With my uncle, he was around 13 at the time and I was 4-5. My grandma babysit us and would let us play outside alone or ocasionaly leave to run an errand and have him watch me and my older brother. I would beg and say he was mean to me, but I think she dismissed it. I remember once I really wanted a drink so I did whatever he told me to do. He would say things like, "spin around 3 times and pull your pants down". I just remember being so young and not really understanding anything that was happening. As adults its appalling; to me as a kid I would just lay there while he performed oral and just feel really awkward, cold, and bored.
How it came to light? While my mom was giving me a bath one night I said, "this is what uncle does to me". Horrid for a mother, right?! Well I'm a mom and I would have shot someone.. But from a child's perspective., do not freak out. It was more traumatic than the abuse. My mom was crying and calling people...she rushed me to the hospital. Blah. I felt so bad and that I was the one who caused that. I guess a proper way would to be "Thank you for telling me. It is not ok for anyone to ever touch you in those parts and it's not your fault. He knows better. That was mean so we need to go talk to someone." Obviously, that's not your first instinct...but just be aware. And also be aware of your children and who is around them at all times! Don't be naive it happens to 1 in 3 people. My parents were divorced when I was 2. My mom did call the police, but my dads side never pressed charges. They made all kinds of promises to me, but continued to let him around us at family get togethers. I know he was only 13 and it was a long time ago, but they should have got him counseling or something. My mom would freak that he was there when I was and they would say, "we never let them alone together and we watch her". Which was true. He never bothered me (or my step-sister which eventually came out as well), but no one ever mentioned it again or talked me through it. It was just so awkward, and still is to be around him.
Those were just incidents...I think if it ended there it honestly wouldn't have impacted who I am today. Except, it didn't. The third abuser was my dad. What went on in his family for him and his brother to have this addiction? I will never know.
It started when I was 6 and ended when I was 16.
I would only go to my dads every other weekend. I was never tortured or hurt...it was almost a way of life. I didn't really know any different. It wasn't long after his brother had got in trouble for the sexual abuse. The first incident? Asking me, "if I have ever kissed a boy?" and then 'showing me how to kiss'. Then if , "I had ever seen a penis? Did I want to? Could I give his a kiss?". Um...no I'm like 7 why would I have kissed a boy? Why would I want to? I don't really know what I felt. I remember obviously loving my father and trusting him. I also remember feeling confused on how this was ok but not what my uncle did? And I remember feeling like it was gross.
I can recall once him sitting and crying after an incident (I was around 9) and he said, "I'm sorry I am a bad dad". That was the only time he's ever apologized It shows me that this was an addiction. You know, after you do something sinful and you feel guilt afterwards.
As I got a little older I would find myself eventually trying to do things to get that sexual attention...it was the only way I felt he paid attention to me. We would hang out as a family or do things...but I never got one on one attention from 'normal father daughter things'. I desperately wanted that. Or anything else I could get for that matter.
When I was getting ready to start high school I moved from Cambellsville to Elizabethtown to live with him and my brother. He had just gotten married, for the third time, and I had a new stepsister who was my age whom I loved. My mom, at this point, was dating a lot of people and we didn't have a lot of stability... so I wanted a fresh start in a new town. I thought since he was happy and married things would be great now! They were in the beginning, but that changed. The sexual encounters did slow, but they didn't stop and got more intense. As I got older and started to realize the severity of abuse and how it was affecting me...it made me sick. Him walking into the bathroom when I was taking a shower to 'get a look' or telling me to shave parts in a certain way. No.
Sick because I realized what I was to him. we didn't spend any other time together. He didn't give me any attention. I couldn't talk to him because he was disrespectful and rude to me. There was also some emotional abuse. Not that he put me down or called me names....but locking himself in his room all day (he worked 3rd shift so he did need to sleep some). There were days where he would just play video games all day with my brother and ignoring me and my 3 year old stepbrother. He would often pee in his bed because he was afraid to come out. I would feel bad that I was at school and this 3 year old would have to take care of himself part of the day. That's my biggest regret; not taking more time to play with him or help him. I know how tender a baby is at 3. I have a 3 year old. It makes me weep.
At the time I was in a new high school. I didn't have a lot of friends, car, money, or a way to get anywhere. Outside of school I pretty much didn't have a life the first 2 years. I would be terrified to ask to go anywhere because he would get angry and yell or ignore me. He told me once to ask a week in advance to go anywhere so he could think about it. Eventually his marriage fell apart and life got tense in the house. From my freshman year to my junior year I missed only one day of school for a funeral. I loved school and I did well. Being around people and enjoying their company is always something that fueled me. Just having that escape was nice.
There were good times, we had good family memories and all of that. and I loved him because he was my father. I wanted him in my life. I wanted a daddy. And I wanted it to be well. After time, when I realized that if someone truly loves you....they respect you. I was just angry. Angry that I had to 'earn' my fathers love by being good, or pleasant to make him happy. Angry that I was the one feeling guilt for a grown mans action. Angry that I was living like this. I stopped caring. I stopped trying. I started disrespecting him and smarting off with my words. I started ignoring what he told me to do. I was never a 'party girl' (well sometimes my personality can be a party, lol) but I did start to go to high school parties or lie about where I was at. In my head I thought, "you don't respect me so I don't respect you". It went against my nature to do that. I know it was sinful, but it was my way of coping.
Shortly after his divorce, I moved back to Campbellsville to live with my grandparents. It was the end of my junior year. I hated every second of it in the beginning. Sometimes, life takes a little bit to get used to. It takes time to build relationships and make friends. It takes time not to feel odd in a new place. Coming back to Campbellville I met Jesus again and he rocked my world. I had nothing else...except Him. Everything else was stripped away and I just had that sweet time to restore myself. I got plugged into a church and a youth group and grew in my faith. Then went to a Christian college where I had tons of God fearing friends. Oh, and I met my husband :)
Look at my life! Look what the lord has done! Praise Him for all I have! I am beyond grateful that he protected my spirit. Jesus gave me a spirit of confidence and a spirit to overcome.
I have an amazing godly husband and two beautiful babies. I love our church and am blessed by our friends. Sexual abuse doesn't define me....and it doesn't define you if it has happened to you. Things that disgrace you in life are not who you are. It's something that happened to you. It is not who you are. It is however, a part of who you are. If anything, God has shown me that I can use it as an avenue to help others. I just needed to be willing to let Him. So here it is.
I have never openly talked about the sexual abuse I encountered with my father. Not because I am ashamed, but he is still around. He lives in the same town I do. We don't really have a relationship now, but I do see him at holidays. I do know people he knows. Pressing charges or going to court has never been an option to me. Yes, I want to protect others...but I need to protect myself. I needed to move on and move away from the situation. Dealing with that and bringing it up requires more energy than I have for this.
I didn't want my family to be angry with me for 'embarrassing him', I didn't want to cause any problems in his life. I didn't want my mom to know because she is so tender it would break her heart. I essentially wanted to protect him.
Why? Did he protect me the way a father is supposed to protect his daughter? Did he worry enough about the problems he would cause in my childhood or in my adult life? Did he try to keep my life peaceful and free from harm? Did he send his only daughter a message of beauty, respect, honor, and strength? Was it my fault as a child that I did something to make an adult think it was ok to use me as a way to find sexual pleasure? No. No. No. No. NO!
No.
As victims of sexual abuse it is time we step out. Not to throw stones at our abusers and try to bully them. But to just step out to help each other. It's not my job to protect him. It's not my job to keep his sins secret for my lifetime. He could have thought about the repercussions of his actions. What happens in the dark will always come out into the light.
But know this truth: What man intended for evil God uses for good.
I know God weeps for us. God feels the pain we feel. In John 11:33-35 God weeped for the death of his friend. He gets our pain. He mourns with us. I know that He watched was was happening and his heart would break like a fathers should. I know that in a perfect world baby girls would remain innocent and daddies wouldn't have sin problems. I know this was not Gods desire for my life. If it happened to you...he wept for you. He hated it SO MUCH that he was God....who came here to us to be born as a man. He came in the most humble birth....in a stable. He didn't come as a king to gain power. He lead in love. He loved you. He loved us. So much that he --fully God--was willing to be separated from the father completely. To have the entire sin of the world from past present and future poured out on him. He wanted to make a way for you. He wanted to make a way for your abuser too.
What does the adult life of someone sexually abused look like? Normal! I don't sit around and dwell on any of this. There are seasons in my life it gets brought up, but it's not a daily occurrence. There are some good things I learned from my father. He is my father and regardless of what happened, I care about him. I learned how to be a hard worker. He never missed work, ever. He has a lot of health issues but would always make it there That is a trait I admired in him and admire in myself. Well, not that I always actually make it to work ;)
However, I never had a chance to have that earthly father-daughter relationship growing up. I have been jealous of some of my friends who have these amazing fathers. I never had a chance to be pure and make those decisions for myself. When newly married I struggled with knowing the truth that sex inside of marriage was a beautiful thing but being able to truly feel that it was ok to do on the outside. The guilt, memories, and feelings it would bring up was not fair to my husband. I struggled before having kids with thinking that maybe in some sick way I would do the same thing to my kids, or somehow be attracted to them. I struggled when I found out I was having a daughter and being scared that I wouldn't trust my own husband to be a godly father. I sometimes have fear and have it in the back of my head to question everyone my kids are around to make sure they are not at risk. He misses out on his grandkids. But, they have wonderful grandparents who love them. I can't say enough things about what my stepfather and grandpa have done for me.
What man intended for evil God uses for good
Through Jesus's guidance and peace I am able to trust Him to lead me through each step of this healing journey. To overcome one issue at a time when it arises.
Before you throw stones an say his sins are gross, I encourage you to look at your own life. What makes us so much better? Have we ever hate our friends? Have we ever lost our cool? Have we not sinned? Do we not have money addictions, eating addictions, sexual addictions of our own?
Do you look at porn? What makes that any different? Because you haven't touched a child? What about a child of God or a woman you are not married to? Where is the line drawn? Sexual addiction is destructive to everyone involved.
It may not be your daughter on those videos...but it is someones daughter. Sin will always consume when you give it a foothold.
He without sin can throw the first stone. John 8:7
How I've learned to get over "daddy issues"?
-Own that you have issues- we all do.
-Take responsibility for you own actions- what they did was wrong, but it is not a crutch. What we do is up to us
-Claim forgiveness and power of God to change you in Christ
Find your value and meaning in christ. It took years of Christ walking with me, but I don't question if I matter. I don't wonder if I am truly loved- that question has already been answered by Christ! My earthly father has no resemblance to my heavenly father. Jesus is the place where I can find peace and rest. I could be assaulted today, my husband could walk out on us tomorrow...but who i am in christ doesn't change. when we find that out it is so freeing!
You seem so happy and normal--- ummm because I am? haha! I am. I am a woman, getting older, growing, raising a family, and stepping out in christ love!
To my father:
I love you because you were designed by God. God loves me, so I can love you. I want to honor you because of the fact you are my father. If it were not for you, I would not even have a life to live. I can forgive you because I have been forgiven. I can forgive you---not because of anything you have done--- not even because you ever came to apologize to me.
All the apologizes in the world couldn't make up for years of disgrace.
If this is embarrassing to you. Good. If this breaks you. Good. If this brings your sin to light....good. Being broken and seeing how sick and pitiful you are apart from God is what He wants. He wants you to see how gross and disgusting you are, to see the harm you have caused the people closest to you.
He wants you to see that because He sees that. He sees you for who you are. He sees that....and HE STILL LOVES YOU. He still forgives you. If you let him. You would have to turn to Him, say that you need Him, and turn away from all that gross behavior and know that you need Jesus to break away from it. I still love you and forgive you.
If you don't feel bad? Ok. It doesn't change God's forgiveness and it doesn't change mine. My forgiveness has nothing to do with what you have earned, but what Jesus took care of for you. It would just break my heart to know that you continue to live in pain and darkness and will spend eternity in hell and apart from the love of Christ. I don't want that for you. I really, really, really, don't want that for you.
Pray. Love. Eat
The greatest of these things is love- 1 Corinthians 13:13
I just want it to be real.
I want my blog to be a place where people can know me and my heart. I want to be honest and transparent. I want to be able to reach out and touch peoples lives. So this will be the most personal and vulnerable I will be. It's a scary thing to push "publish live" and know reputations and lives can be shattered.
It's more scary to me that if I don't...maybe lives remain shattered. So, I trust in The Lord that this will be well received.
Why? because we all have a story to tell. Why? because of Jesus Christ I have a testimony. Oh, and because the Lord won't let up until I do so. You know that feeling. You just gotta obey.
One of my favorite portions of scripture is about the Samaritan woman at the well. You can find this story in John 4. I encourage you to read it! What I love about this story is that her encounter with Jesus rocked her whole world! After meeting Him, she went back to her town and says, "come, see a man who told me everything I have ever done. Could this be the messiah?"
One sentence. No theological debates; just what Jesus has done in her life. Scripture in verse 39 says, "Many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman’s testimony". In a town where this woman had been an outcast...where she had a bad reputation of sleeping with many men whom she was not married...where she was alone....they listened to her and MANY of them believed in Him! Sometimes that's all it takes...is simply our testimony. To let others see how Jesus changes and heals people in real life!!
My testimony is so much more than growing up in an environment with multiple accounts of sexual abuse. God has done incredible things and has lead me on such a journey. But, this is a real part of our world and I want to be able to reach out and shed light on sexual abuse. I just want to show you how, in my simple life, I have endured, dealt with, forgiven, and overcome sexual abuse.
If you are close to me, you may or may not know this about me. It's not that I try to hide it or am ashamed. I just don't want to be that "downer" person in a group! When the group is conversing and you bring that up and it's like a bomb, lol. I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable and be like, "okkkk so now what do I say to that?!" or for people to want to, or feel like they should, pity me or say "sorry"! It is a sorry thing it happened, it's sorry that it happens to a lot of people! At the end of the day, it is a fact of life. It happened, it happens, and I'm still me! I don't know, I just don't feel like incidents or circumstances should overshadow your life. Happiness is not circumstantial!
Ok, so my story.
I didn't grow up in a Christian home, I was never made to go to church. I had my aunt who told me Bible stories and grandparents who were Christians and would take me to church....I just slept on their laps :) My great-grandmother read me this huge Bible with pictures and red letters for when Jesus talked, I loved it. I went to a play the college put on when I was around 8 called "Heavens gates and Hells flames". It was pretty much a scare tactic for salvation...but it worked! I gave my life to Christ that night. I still remember laying in bed night after night just talking to Jesus and praying. I begged my mom to wake up and take me to church on Sundays and Wednesdays all through middle school! She would drop me off. It's amazing that regardless of your upbringing, Jesus reaches out to you. I didn't have a perfect Christian family. I am humbled and crumble at times before Him.... that He wanted me.
My Christianity never really flourished. I always 'believed in God and tried to do right things' but the relationship didn't grow as I got older.
I was sexually abused by 3 men in my life; my babysitter, my uncle, and my father. The first two were taken care of when I was younger. My babysitter was sent to prison over another child I believe. The only thing I remember about the creepy old man and wife is that he kissed my neck and he built teddy bears in his basement. Like a horror story here. But, I was only like 3-4 so I don't remember anything. It wasn't traumatic or 'that serious' as far as I can recall. My mom and dad noticed a hickey on my neck and, obviously, freaked out. Kids overcome. They are innocent and resilient like that.
With my uncle, he was around 13 at the time and I was 4-5. My grandma babysit us and would let us play outside alone or ocasionaly leave to run an errand and have him watch me and my older brother. I would beg and say he was mean to me, but I think she dismissed it. I remember once I really wanted a drink so I did whatever he told me to do. He would say things like, "spin around 3 times and pull your pants down". I just remember being so young and not really understanding anything that was happening. As adults its appalling; to me as a kid I would just lay there while he performed oral and just feel really awkward, cold, and bored.
How it came to light? While my mom was giving me a bath one night I said, "this is what uncle does to me". Horrid for a mother, right?! Well I'm a mom and I would have shot someone.. But from a child's perspective., do not freak out. It was more traumatic than the abuse. My mom was crying and calling people...she rushed me to the hospital. Blah. I felt so bad and that I was the one who caused that. I guess a proper way would to be "Thank you for telling me. It is not ok for anyone to ever touch you in those parts and it's not your fault. He knows better. That was mean so we need to go talk to someone." Obviously, that's not your first instinct...but just be aware. And also be aware of your children and who is around them at all times! Don't be naive it happens to 1 in 3 people. My parents were divorced when I was 2. My mom did call the police, but my dads side never pressed charges. They made all kinds of promises to me, but continued to let him around us at family get togethers. I know he was only 13 and it was a long time ago, but they should have got him counseling or something. My mom would freak that he was there when I was and they would say, "we never let them alone together and we watch her". Which was true. He never bothered me (or my step-sister which eventually came out as well), but no one ever mentioned it again or talked me through it. It was just so awkward, and still is to be around him.
Those were just incidents...I think if it ended there it honestly wouldn't have impacted who I am today. Except, it didn't. The third abuser was my dad. What went on in his family for him and his brother to have this addiction? I will never know.
It started when I was 6 and ended when I was 16.
I would only go to my dads every other weekend. I was never tortured or hurt...it was almost a way of life. I didn't really know any different. It wasn't long after his brother had got in trouble for the sexual abuse. The first incident? Asking me, "if I have ever kissed a boy?" and then 'showing me how to kiss'. Then if , "I had ever seen a penis? Did I want to? Could I give his a kiss?". Um...no I'm like 7 why would I have kissed a boy? Why would I want to? I don't really know what I felt. I remember obviously loving my father and trusting him. I also remember feeling confused on how this was ok but not what my uncle did? And I remember feeling like it was gross.
I can recall once him sitting and crying after an incident (I was around 9) and he said, "I'm sorry I am a bad dad". That was the only time he's ever apologized It shows me that this was an addiction. You know, after you do something sinful and you feel guilt afterwards.
As I got a little older I would find myself eventually trying to do things to get that sexual attention...it was the only way I felt he paid attention to me. We would hang out as a family or do things...but I never got one on one attention from 'normal father daughter things'. I desperately wanted that. Or anything else I could get for that matter.
When I was getting ready to start high school I moved from Cambellsville to Elizabethtown to live with him and my brother. He had just gotten married, for the third time, and I had a new stepsister who was my age whom I loved. My mom, at this point, was dating a lot of people and we didn't have a lot of stability... so I wanted a fresh start in a new town. I thought since he was happy and married things would be great now! They were in the beginning, but that changed. The sexual encounters did slow, but they didn't stop and got more intense. As I got older and started to realize the severity of abuse and how it was affecting me...it made me sick. Him walking into the bathroom when I was taking a shower to 'get a look' or telling me to shave parts in a certain way. No.
Sick because I realized what I was to him. we didn't spend any other time together. He didn't give me any attention. I couldn't talk to him because he was disrespectful and rude to me. There was also some emotional abuse. Not that he put me down or called me names....but locking himself in his room all day (he worked 3rd shift so he did need to sleep some). There were days where he would just play video games all day with my brother and ignoring me and my 3 year old stepbrother. He would often pee in his bed because he was afraid to come out. I would feel bad that I was at school and this 3 year old would have to take care of himself part of the day. That's my biggest regret; not taking more time to play with him or help him. I know how tender a baby is at 3. I have a 3 year old. It makes me weep.
At the time I was in a new high school. I didn't have a lot of friends, car, money, or a way to get anywhere. Outside of school I pretty much didn't have a life the first 2 years. I would be terrified to ask to go anywhere because he would get angry and yell or ignore me. He told me once to ask a week in advance to go anywhere so he could think about it. Eventually his marriage fell apart and life got tense in the house. From my freshman year to my junior year I missed only one day of school for a funeral. I loved school and I did well. Being around people and enjoying their company is always something that fueled me. Just having that escape was nice.
There were good times, we had good family memories and all of that. and I loved him because he was my father. I wanted him in my life. I wanted a daddy. And I wanted it to be well. After time, when I realized that if someone truly loves you....they respect you. I was just angry. Angry that I had to 'earn' my fathers love by being good, or pleasant to make him happy. Angry that I was the one feeling guilt for a grown mans action. Angry that I was living like this. I stopped caring. I stopped trying. I started disrespecting him and smarting off with my words. I started ignoring what he told me to do. I was never a 'party girl' (well sometimes my personality can be a party, lol) but I did start to go to high school parties or lie about where I was at. In my head I thought, "you don't respect me so I don't respect you". It went against my nature to do that. I know it was sinful, but it was my way of coping.
Shortly after his divorce, I moved back to Campbellsville to live with my grandparents. It was the end of my junior year. I hated every second of it in the beginning. Sometimes, life takes a little bit to get used to. It takes time to build relationships and make friends. It takes time not to feel odd in a new place. Coming back to Campbellville I met Jesus again and he rocked my world. I had nothing else...except Him. Everything else was stripped away and I just had that sweet time to restore myself. I got plugged into a church and a youth group and grew in my faith. Then went to a Christian college where I had tons of God fearing friends. Oh, and I met my husband :)
Look at my life! Look what the lord has done! Praise Him for all I have! I am beyond grateful that he protected my spirit. Jesus gave me a spirit of confidence and a spirit to overcome.
I have an amazing godly husband and two beautiful babies. I love our church and am blessed by our friends. Sexual abuse doesn't define me....and it doesn't define you if it has happened to you. Things that disgrace you in life are not who you are. It's something that happened to you. It is not who you are. It is however, a part of who you are. If anything, God has shown me that I can use it as an avenue to help others. I just needed to be willing to let Him. So here it is.
I have never openly talked about the sexual abuse I encountered with my father. Not because I am ashamed, but he is still around. He lives in the same town I do. We don't really have a relationship now, but I do see him at holidays. I do know people he knows. Pressing charges or going to court has never been an option to me. Yes, I want to protect others...but I need to protect myself. I needed to move on and move away from the situation. Dealing with that and bringing it up requires more energy than I have for this.
I didn't want my family to be angry with me for 'embarrassing him', I didn't want to cause any problems in his life. I didn't want my mom to know because she is so tender it would break her heart. I essentially wanted to protect him.
Why? Did he protect me the way a father is supposed to protect his daughter? Did he worry enough about the problems he would cause in my childhood or in my adult life? Did he try to keep my life peaceful and free from harm? Did he send his only daughter a message of beauty, respect, honor, and strength? Was it my fault as a child that I did something to make an adult think it was ok to use me as a way to find sexual pleasure? No. No. No. No. NO!
No.
As victims of sexual abuse it is time we step out. Not to throw stones at our abusers and try to bully them. But to just step out to help each other. It's not my job to protect him. It's not my job to keep his sins secret for my lifetime. He could have thought about the repercussions of his actions. What happens in the dark will always come out into the light.
But know this truth: What man intended for evil God uses for good.
I know God weeps for us. God feels the pain we feel. In John 11:33-35 God weeped for the death of his friend. He gets our pain. He mourns with us. I know that He watched was was happening and his heart would break like a fathers should. I know that in a perfect world baby girls would remain innocent and daddies wouldn't have sin problems. I know this was not Gods desire for my life. If it happened to you...he wept for you. He hated it SO MUCH that he was God....who came here to us to be born as a man. He came in the most humble birth....in a stable. He didn't come as a king to gain power. He lead in love. He loved you. He loved us. So much that he --fully God--was willing to be separated from the father completely. To have the entire sin of the world from past present and future poured out on him. He wanted to make a way for you. He wanted to make a way for your abuser too.
What does the adult life of someone sexually abused look like? Normal! I don't sit around and dwell on any of this. There are seasons in my life it gets brought up, but it's not a daily occurrence. There are some good things I learned from my father. He is my father and regardless of what happened, I care about him. I learned how to be a hard worker. He never missed work, ever. He has a lot of health issues but would always make it there That is a trait I admired in him and admire in myself. Well, not that I always actually make it to work ;)
However, I never had a chance to have that earthly father-daughter relationship growing up. I have been jealous of some of my friends who have these amazing fathers. I never had a chance to be pure and make those decisions for myself. When newly married I struggled with knowing the truth that sex inside of marriage was a beautiful thing but being able to truly feel that it was ok to do on the outside. The guilt, memories, and feelings it would bring up was not fair to my husband. I struggled before having kids with thinking that maybe in some sick way I would do the same thing to my kids, or somehow be attracted to them. I struggled when I found out I was having a daughter and being scared that I wouldn't trust my own husband to be a godly father. I sometimes have fear and have it in the back of my head to question everyone my kids are around to make sure they are not at risk. He misses out on his grandkids. But, they have wonderful grandparents who love them. I can't say enough things about what my stepfather and grandpa have done for me.
What man intended for evil God uses for good
Through Jesus's guidance and peace I am able to trust Him to lead me through each step of this healing journey. To overcome one issue at a time when it arises.
Before you throw stones an say his sins are gross, I encourage you to look at your own life. What makes us so much better? Have we ever hate our friends? Have we ever lost our cool? Have we not sinned? Do we not have money addictions, eating addictions, sexual addictions of our own?
Do you look at porn? What makes that any different? Because you haven't touched a child? What about a child of God or a woman you are not married to? Where is the line drawn? Sexual addiction is destructive to everyone involved.
It may not be your daughter on those videos...but it is someones daughter. Sin will always consume when you give it a foothold.
He without sin can throw the first stone. John 8:7
How I've learned to get over "daddy issues"?
-Own that you have issues- we all do.
-Take responsibility for you own actions- what they did was wrong, but it is not a crutch. What we do is up to us
-Claim forgiveness and power of God to change you in Christ
Find your value and meaning in christ. It took years of Christ walking with me, but I don't question if I matter. I don't wonder if I am truly loved- that question has already been answered by Christ! My earthly father has no resemblance to my heavenly father. Jesus is the place where I can find peace and rest. I could be assaulted today, my husband could walk out on us tomorrow...but who i am in christ doesn't change. when we find that out it is so freeing!
You seem so happy and normal--- ummm because I am? haha! I am. I am a woman, getting older, growing, raising a family, and stepping out in christ love!
To my father:
I love you because you were designed by God. God loves me, so I can love you. I want to honor you because of the fact you are my father. If it were not for you, I would not even have a life to live. I can forgive you because I have been forgiven. I can forgive you---not because of anything you have done--- not even because you ever came to apologize to me.
All the apologizes in the world couldn't make up for years of disgrace.
If this is embarrassing to you. Good. If this breaks you. Good. If this brings your sin to light....good. Being broken and seeing how sick and pitiful you are apart from God is what He wants. He wants you to see how gross and disgusting you are, to see the harm you have caused the people closest to you.
He wants you to see that because He sees that. He sees you for who you are. He sees that....and HE STILL LOVES YOU. He still forgives you. If you let him. You would have to turn to Him, say that you need Him, and turn away from all that gross behavior and know that you need Jesus to break away from it. I still love you and forgive you.
If you don't feel bad? Ok. It doesn't change God's forgiveness and it doesn't change mine. My forgiveness has nothing to do with what you have earned, but what Jesus took care of for you. It would just break my heart to know that you continue to live in pain and darkness and will spend eternity in hell and apart from the love of Christ. I don't want that for you. I really, really, really, don't want that for you.
Pray. Love. Eat
The greatest of these things is love- 1 Corinthians 13:13