I realize I never wrote my birth story! Actually, I did muster up the strength to write it...but a storm came through and knocked out all the power before I had saved it! #icanteven. Initially, I wanted to wait a couple weeks after birth to write it up, just so I could experience the whole range of emotions and be able to blog the experience accurately. With both of my babies, I always feel amazing and great leaving the hospital...4 days later i'm in pain and also an emotional mess! So, here I am 16 weeks later finally sitting down to finish this blog!!! At least I can provide you with all the great photos of Milian's cuteness as he has grown, so there's a payoff!!
Pre-Birth
Our scheduled cesarean was on a Saturday. On my last routine appointment the Dr. realized she had made a mistake and wouldn't actually be on call that Saturday. She kindly brought the idea of waiting until the following Monday for delivery. Negative. Not going to happen. Do you see my ankles lady? No? It's because I have none. So, that early SATURDAY morning my husband and I drove to Louisville (city I was giving birth in) and picked up Milian's mommy. I had to get there a couple hours early to prep for surgery. Dad stayed behind to keep their son and met us at the hospital a couple hours later.
When I checked into the hospital they told me the prep room was too small and one person would have to stay in the waiting room. For 2 hours while I prep? Not an option. I was told during my tour that they could both be in the room for this. I explained to them that this is my husband and he has to be with me, and that on the other side of me is this baby's mother, i'm the surrogate, and she can't miss her sons birth process. She then walked us all back and tells the nurse, "this is Mrs. Adkins and she insist on having 2 people with her in this small room. So, i'm leaving and i'll let you deal with this." WHAT the what?! .....
The nurse starts doing the paperwork and wants me to sign permission for the baby to be on my insurance right after birth. The lawyer had previously called me and informed me, that under no circumstances, to allow that to happen. Putting baby on my insurance would mess the entire process up (or something I guess, I just do what i'm told). The lawyer even had the judge sign a legal document and took it to the hospital stating all of this several weeks prior. We explained this to her, even had a copy of the document with us, but she wouldn't hear it. She said, "well you better figure this out in an hour or this baby isn't being born today because he has to be on some insurance when he's born". Everyone is in panic mode looking around at each other until...she finds the document on the computer system. This is why surrogacy needs lawyers and knowledgable people to help the process!
Once we start fluids and things I ask the nurse, just to double check, that both my husband and Milian's mom would be allowed in during the cesarean (I was told by my Dr. in the beginning this would not be a problem, but I wanted to double check because you neveerrrrr know). She immediately says, "nope". Panic mode again. Actually Milian's heart rate starts sky rocketing on the monitor. It's amazing to see what impact stress has on a baby! I tell her what the Dr. and I have discussed and she says, "well, it's not up to the Dr. who can be in the room, it's up to the anesthesiologist. The one that's on call today absolutely doesn't allow for 2 people or special circumstances." Ugh! Why does this lady hate us?!!!! So, i'm very persistent and tell her I would like to personally speak to the anesthesiologist to ask/beg him myself, lol. I know I sound like a brat. But, I learned after not standing up for myself during my first birth, that people will walk over you and your choices if you aren't stern or speak up. You then live with regret! This is the day i've worked for and I was not going to let this perfect day and birth story be ruined and just stand by! I need a happy experience to tell! My husband and I had already decided that if it came down to it, mom would be the one in delivery room. We felt that she really needed to be able to experience the birth of her child.
So, what do pregnant people do? Cry. Then the nurse comes back in and her attitude softens. I don't know if she just pre-judged us, or didn't like that I was a surrogate. I really don't know. However the case, when she walked back in she was a different person! Telling stories, talking, smiling, the works. I actually really liked her after that point. A lot.
Everything else went smoothly. I passed when the IV was put in (like always) and scare mom. While I was under, but still conscious (just not able to move), I heard my husband say, "oh don't worry she's fine. She does this all the time". I could have punched him! Don't worry?! I'm dying here! And really, all the time? Care about me! My husband did have the job of keeping 2 women he cared about feeling safe, happy, and calm. He's amazing.
The nurse was so nice, she gave me one tiny little ice chip (notice the sarcasm) when I had cotton mouth so bad (from the trauma of the IV) that I couldn't swallow. The way I felt during the IV was the only point when I asked myself, "what have I gotten myself into?" And honestly thought, "I can't do this". Haha! Well...that wasn't an option at this point. Did I mention that I hate IV's? Even seeing my son get one made me pass out.
The anesthesiologist and Dr. visited before the surgery. My Dr. walks in with a cup of Starbucks and looking like she hates me because it is her Saturday off. The anesthesiologist reminded me of Dr. on the movie Knocked Up ( Do you smoke? Do you drink? Do you smoke one time? One little puff?) I kept saying no to all his questions and in his attempt to get me he and says. "WELL HAVE YOU EVER EVEN HAD HEARTBURN?!" "Yes, all the time" I tell him. Then he says, "ok yeah. good." It was comical. He says no to 2 people in the room but agrees to let mom come in during the surgery and once she leaves with the baby my husband can come stay with me during the rest. That sounded fine to me.
Right before heading to the operating room, the nurse says she found a room beside my room that the parents can stay in (for free) with the baby! We didn't know if this part would happen, but i'm glad it did! I wouldn't mind sharing a room with mom...but after birth isn't a pretty thing and that's embarrassing! Plus, i'm glad they had complete alone time as a family for a couple days.
Birthday
Let's be honest. Who doesn't love an anesthesiologist. I mean, what they do, there is no other. I don't always remember a lot about birth, but I do always remember my anesthesiologist! I was super nervous about my spinal. Everything about this entire journey had been so perfect, I just knew something was going to happen. The last time I had a spinal I was stuck around 6-8 times. He said my spine was short and that made it difficult to get the needle in. Ugh, pain and bruising for days (my daughter was worth every stick of course). This time I walked in the operation room and there were only 2 people in the room. The mean nurse (who by now I love) and the power/control freak anesthesiologist (whom I also starting to adore by this point). He had rap music playing loud in the operation room. He was a professional. He was caring. It was fantastic. Very relaxed atmosphere and everything went so perfectly. The best part- just one stick for the spinal ( he actually ended up being the trainer of my previous anesthesiologist).
He then decides that he is going to allow both mom and my husband to come into the room for the birth, and smiles (showing me that he has the power and made the decision). Seriously? Make me wait this long and then tell me!!? Whatever, i'll take it. Woohooo!
I had 2 doctors come in for the surgery before my husband came in. My doctor (who is still half-asleep and never says a word) and a male Dr. i've never met. He comes to shake my hand....while i'm totally whale-sized pregnant and undressed/paralyzed on the operating table. "Nice meeting you like this" I said. He says, "Ah, I don't even notice anymore". Have we no decency people?! Nope, not after birthing children!
My husband walks in and is completely chill. Taking is role for the 3rd time. We both were fixated on mom. Wanting to watch her face and reaction. This is what we have been waiting for! She was already starting to get nervous. She kept worrying about me, but I felt great (I would rather have 5 cesareans than ever have another IV)! It did take longer for this birth because of the scar tissue but all was smooth.
When he was being pulled out the nurses say, "he's a big boy!". I knew it! I felt how much space he took!! He was 8.7lbs and 19 1/2 inches long . I mean that's not huge, but my kids were 6.11 and 7.4.
They did raise him up to be seen after he was born, but it was off to the side so his mom could take pictures and hold him so I couldn't see anything. We already warned everyone she was super sensitive and would probably pass out. Guess what? She did! She looked at baby, was trying to take pictures, and then sat her camera down and came back to sit by me and put her hands in her face. Her face was ghostly white and getting worse...but I couldn't help but to laugh because I knew it was coming! My husband was patting her back and talking to her (busy man that day) until they got her a stretcher and wheeled her out to a private room with dad waiting in it (to be able to hold baby and bond). The nurses finished taking pictures and wrapped him up and were walking out. NO! I was dying to see him. I yelled at them, " Hey! Bring him over here so I can look at him! His mom is passed out anyway so she won't even notice a 10 second gap!" Why were they so hesitant?! Lol. It was like pulling teeth! They even asked me if we had "an open agreement" for after birth?! Um, yes. Do people not want to talk to each other after they go through this?! Yes, sure i'll birth your baby but then you refuse to ever talk to me again? I'm grateful that wasn't our circumstances.
When I saw him, I laughed. He was mostly bald with some light blonde hair/lashes/eyebrows. He looked just like his daddy! This entire time we kept thinking he would have dark hair/skin/eyes like his brother. Initially, mom wanted him to look similar to his brother so his brother didn't feel left out of the family (now she says that it doesn't matter to her at all, she will just have one light and one dark). The egg donor had darker skin and hair. Not Milian! You never know what you're going to get with any baby! I love it. I didn't feel that attachment to him when I saw him. I thought he was adorable, but in my mind and in my heart I never felt like he was 'mine' and I was loosing him or giving him up. Of course I love him, but I had no desire to run away with him :) At all. Not even a little. I felt like I birthed another persons baby. Which I did! I obviously knew he wouldn't look like me, but it is kind of strange to give birth to a baby who looks NOTHING like you (because he's not related lol)!!!
I was wheeled into the recovery room to be monitored for an hour. This was a fun time as well. It was just me, my husband, and the nurse. My husband and I just hung out and enjoyed each others company. The nurse told us her life story, I called my mom to tell her I was out, and then updated Facebook. Because that's what you do when you have a baby- update Facebook! My mom was allowed to come back at the end to see me and that was nice. My family was in the waiting room as well. It was odd to just be sitting in recovery with nothing going on or to do! And to feel amazing (only because I had a crap ton of pain medicine in my IV that wouldn't wear off until the next day).
As soon as I was brought in my room the nurse was getting me settled in. I was so curious about how they were doing next door with baby!! I was asking about them and the nurse wouldn't say much at all. I told her, "will you let them know once they are ready I would love to see the baby and them?" She said, "oh, good! They have been asking about you and wanting to know when they could come!". Really?! Couldn't she have told me that when I was asking!? Haha!
The parents absolutely adore both of their children and love them unconditionally. I say this to make my next point: every mother is entitled to have feelings following the birth of her baby. Whether she birthed her baby herself, adopted, or used surrogacy....she is still a mother and still has feelings. To say that, "a woman should be grateful to even have a baby if she is infertile" greatly upsets my soul. It's very shameful, arrogant, and simple-minded to believe that everyone immediately has to fall in love with their baby as soon as it's born. That's true as well for moms who get pregnant and birth their own child.
I wanted to include this part because I want other surrogates to be aware of feelings to expect after baby, as well as for the moms. You dream of the day the parents get to finally meet their baby and everything comes together magically. Perfect family, boom! Sometimes, that's not always the case. Milian's mom would tell you the same thing, she had a hard couple days in the hospital. She's already such a sweet, sensitive, emotional person, that all of this was overwhelming (just as it was the first time). She wanted to be happy, and she was, but she was upset/crying wondering why she felt overwhelmed and then feeling bad about it. Wondering why she didn't immediately 'fall in love or feel bonded with baby'. It's just so important to be aware and let the family go through their emotions. Not to put guilt on yourself that they aren't happy or you did something wrong.
As part of my job, I see dozens and dozens of new moms after the birth of their babies. I see a ton of this. I see a ton of moms feeling guilt. Excited to love this baby and be a sweet little family...but then they see this baby they have never met (who may or may not be what they pictured), and then add in all the crazy hormones. I also love watching them get to know their baby and fall in love over time.
I loved that my friends, who were visiting me at the hospital, and I were able to be there with her and talk with her through those feelings. It's an overwhelming thing to be handed a baby and suddenly you're a mom! I felt Milian move everyday, I knew his schedule, I grew him, he came out of my body....and when I saw him I didn't feel "like his mother" or have this incredible bond and knew what he wanted every second. Anyway, those feelings lasted all of 3 days and once she got to know him and had her time with him, everything is as it should be.
More advice: I didn't think I would want, or care about visitors (besides my kids) at the hospital. I didn't want my friends to have to go out of their way to see me just because I was in the hospital for something I chose to do. But the first night 4 of my closest friends came and spent the day/most of the night with me. I thought they would just come visit for an hour and leave...but they were there hours and hours and hours (like 1am). When I think back to my hospital experience, it was because of them that everything was beyond perfect. They were really my support. They made me feel special and cared about. I didn't plan to be bored in the hospital, but I didn't think about the fact I really wouldn't have anything to do! They brought me, mom, and baby gifts. They went over with me multiple times to hang out with Milian and his family in their room, get to know them, hold baby, counsel, etc. It meant so much to me, and I know mom as well! They also took my husband out of the hospital so he could eat and I could rest and shower! I was like a new person walking around when they returned. Minus carrying a catheter bag with me where I went. Gag!!! I had some other friends come the next day. Just seeing people take time out of their day to support a choice I made showed me who truly loved us and cared about us. Seeing the love of Christ through my friends is life-altering.
When my kids came into my room after birth they did kind of stress out, which hurt my feelings. Norah thought I was sick, she didn't understand that when you have a baby, you are in the hospital. She didn't mention the baby or even seem to care that he was in the room! The only thing she cared about was that mommy was "sick" and that the nurse was touching me and she didn't like it. I was trying to tell her I wasn't, but as soon as I said that....my IV line started shooting out blood everywhere randomly. Like a massacre. I'm pretty sure she was traumatized. I was traumatized as well, but trying to keep her calm before they whisk her out of the room!
For weeks after she would tip toe around me, cuddle up next to me, and ask me if I was ok. As far as how my kids did with baby....it was like nothing ever happened to them lol. They never wanted to hold him. They just wanted to make sure I was ok. Norah doesn't really care for babies. She used to despise them so we are moving up in the world. And Abram was always too busy playing with their other son. Today, they love seeing pictures of him and talk about their family like they live down the road. Always asking about them, telling me to tell them certain things, etc. Norah called Milian "her little brother" the other day, it was precious.
It was really neat to see how my body and emotions responded after baby. It was exactly the same as my previous pregnancies. I still had those hormonal feelings. Feeling great and energetic one second and really down the next! I feel like i'm a pro now and was able to realize those feelings are just my hormones and would balance out in about 5 weeks (magic number of weeks it usually takes me to feel normal emotionally/energy wise again). I used to think it was the lack of sleep and adjusting to a little person in the home...but I was totally sleeping and life was normal. So, just hormones!
The question everyone wants to know (including me in the beginning). Was it hard? Did I freak out?
Nope. Absolutely not. I just felt tired and in pain from surgery. Yay for pain meds. I felt amazing knowing that I had done my job and that he was safe and sound in his parents arms. He looks
It was hard to slow down, even though I needed to rest in the beginning. The day I got home from the hospital we went out to eat as a family. The next day I took both my kids to a mommy/kid day camp. And 2 weeks later I was back at the gym. (Yes, I had people coming up to me giving me advice. No, I didn't take it. Haha. I knew what exercises to do, what not to do, and how to listen to my body and know what I was capable of. I healed perfectly :)). All of that to say, it was really odd to 'resume normal life' immediately. But, let's be honest, all moms do this when they have other kids to take care of! Maybe I should have taken advantage of time to lay in bed and be waited on!
Milian and his family stayed in the US for around 3 more weeks after the birth. We were able to hang out at my house, go out to eat, to the zoo and park, and we took a trip to New York. I had lots of time to snuggle with him! We had to go to New York in order to sign papers for Milian to leave the country. Also, dad had to do a DNA test (rules of their government) to prove baby was his in order to add him to insurance and things back home. Oh, we HAD to go to New York. What a shame! I was nervous about traveling and walking so much right after birth (hence the reason for the gym early). They were the most incredible people and payed for our travel, as well as an additional 3 days at the hotel after they left for home. It really made for such and incredible trip. We had an amazing time with them, as well as a vacation for my husband and I. I'm not going to talk about having to say goodbye :( I'm not good with goodbyes. <3
I think because I never updated others have assumed that I had such a hard time with the birth! People are curious and want to know what happened, but they approach me cautiously (it's sweet), "Do you mind....if I... ask you about the birth. Was it so hard on you?".
I get updates and pictures/videos on snapchat basically everyday! I love them so much. I really feel like they are my family and can't wait to see them again next summer. I do so wish they lived closer :( I mean, even in the United States, would be nice haha! Y'all don't understand how sweet his mom is. I don't know if she remembers saying this, but at one point she says, "he's all of ours baby". Warms my heart. Sometimes, I have to remind myself that I actually grew that cute little face of his and had a part in making their family! Seeing their family so happy makes me happy. It's really an unbelievable thing that I can't believe I was blessed to have a part in!
However, I don't feel like I just had a baby 4 months ago. I had baby fever for about 3 days (don't worry it's gone now) and then I had to remind myself that even if I wanted another baby, I would need to wait a year to allow my insides to heal from the surgery. Forgetting that major surgery is so easy to do when you aren't chasing a little one around!
It was really an incredible experience from the beginning until 'the end'. My family gained a family and we all had opportunities to do things we would have never been able to do before. I was able to meet people from a different country, experience the other side of fertility, have new experiences, and travel (as well as taking my son on a trip that I had to take for a group meeting/give birth story. He was able to see dinosaur bones and get to fly in an airplane). Sometimes, I make crazy decisions and choices and throw myself out there. For all that happened throughout this love story, and protection, I give God the glory <3