In my first blog post "first things first" I go in-depth on my desire to be a surrogate so please check that out! I have only felt the Lord clearly tell me 4 times on a specific direction to take in my life. The first one was doing a summer internship at a homeless shelter/inner city for the HOPE program in Louisville, the second was to marry my (now)husband, and the third was the desire to have my baby! Now, this is the fourth After seeing and experiencing infertility in close friends and women around my I felt a tugging in my heart to serve and physically do something to be a part of this. To not just talk about love, but to show love in a concrete way. It's strange circumstances that lead me to the idea of surrogacy....but once it was in my head and heart it stayed there! Tugging and pulling. Like the kind where you can't sleep until you give into it.!
Do you like know someone your doing it for, or where are you going through?
I chose to go through an agency called Center for Surrogate Parenting (CSP). For me, going through an agency was the wisest decision for our family. An agency takes care of all the legal/medical/financial issues so that is not something I have to worry or stress about through the process. CSP has been a long trusted surrogacy agency and is located in California. There is also a base in Annapolis, Maryland where my husband and I will be traveling to. There is a more in-depth process on the previous post "surrogacy 101". After counseling sessions we will be matched with potential couples and my husband and I have the decision on who we would like to partner with. They base the match on level of contact you prefer, feelings about multiples, etc. It is a necessity that we chose for us to work with a hetrosexual married couple, but it is not a necessity for them to have the same beliefs spiritually or even be Christians. Our prayer is that they see our genuine love and desire to help! Hopefully, by seeing our love, they can see our Christ :) After choosing them my profile is sent to the couple for them to review and make the final decision if they would like to work with us as well. I didn't know of anyone looking for a surrogate, but the idea of meeting and being able to share this experience with someone I would have never known otherwise feels amazing to me.
Lately, my husband and I have discussed the idea of possibility doing a surrogacy pregnancy for friends of ours who near and dear to our hearts. It will be a couple years before they will be ready so we will cross that bridge when we get there!
Is it genetically your baby?
No, the baby in no way is geneticaly linked to me. There are two types of surrogates; traditional and gestational. Traditional surrogacy is when a egg of the surrogate is used and fertilized, through artifical insemenation, with the intended fathers sperm. The baby would be mine...or half mine...but still that is my baby! I would also not be comfortable knowing that I conceived a baby outside of my marriage (even if it were done in a Dr's office)! There have been a lot of court cases involved with this so I think a lot of agencies don't offer that option anymore or shy away from it. I will be a gestational surrogate. Gestational surrogacy is when the egg from the mother and sperm from the father is fertilized and placed inside me via In vitro fertilization. So, I am just the carrier....or stork! Special delivery! :)
Do you think you can just give a baby away after you carried it 9 months?
This is the most frequently asked question I have experienced when telling people! Honestly, it's usually accompanied by a look of astonishment (or disgust) and followed with, "I could never do that". My response usually is, "then don't".
Surrogacy is not for everyone, not everyone feels called to this! It is a choice you have, not something you are made to do. If you had any doubts, it would be detrimental to the intending parents. For yourself, and your family, you would not want to enter into anything that you are not comfortable with or think you could mentally or physically handle.
The birth is a huge part of the process...but it's not the only part! So, I don't want to just get caught up on that aspect and not the overall picture! I'm not naive I know there will be a lot of feelings involved. Sometimes I think I can handle it, and other times I question myself if this is something I can really do. I'm the person who cries having to put away newborn clothes when my babies grow out of them. What happens when I have all the post-pregnancy hormones and no baby? Thankfully, Dove dark chocolate will be there to fill that void.
Honestly, I think from the beginning I will approach this pregnancy differently. With both of my babies, the bonding is something that happened over time. Time thinking about them and who they would look like, time nesting and getting their room decorated just right, time rocking in an empty room dreaming about holding them, time spent thinking about being a parent.
I am not 'giving this baby away'. Not in any sense. I am carrying a baby and giving it safely to his/her parents where it belongs! A baby is going home to a room decorated, clothes hung, and parents who desire nothing more than to hold and cuddle and love their baby! Just to be able to see their faces when they meet their child for the first time will give my heart such joy. Sure, I will love the baby---I would want anyone I trusted to take care of my babies to love them like I love them---but it will have to be a different kind of love.
I feel like the hardest part will be resuming 'normal life' after the surrogacy is over. Having to essentially move on from something that gave me purpose for over a year. It's not that I find my identity in my works or what i'm doing, but just the thought of having built this friendship with a family and figuring out how to move on beyond that. The Lord does amazing things and in my life has slowly moved me from one season to another and I trust Him in that, but I am just preparing myself for the feelings! You cannot help how you feel or how you are tempted- just how you respond!!! So, I am scared. I'm scared that I may be this person who feels like mundane life is not enough after I go through something like this. Then again...my mundane life right now is enough to keep my brain and life crazy busy now!
Do you have to pay?
No. All medical bills, flights, travel, procedures, time off work, etc is covered by the intended parent's trust fund.
Do you get paid?
Yes and no. Laws prohibit buying and selling babies! It would break my heart to know someone was coherest into carrying a baby just for money and no desire to serve. Or, that women were being trafficked for this purpose. In order to be a surrogate you must not be a recipient of government welfare, insurance, WIC, etc. This is to protect that from happening.
Generally the compensation rate is $20,000-$25,000 for a first time surrogate. It can vary agency to agency. Other expenses such as the monthly allowance, clothing allowance, child care, caesarean delivery, multiples, etc is added on if needed after that.
If you want to be a surrogate and you feel that accepting any payment would be morally wrong- you can choose not to accept it. This would save the family a lot of money.
For me, being able to do this for a family, while at the same time being able to contribute financially for my family is important to me. I know there will be a lot of time that I will be taking away from them...or when mommy is more tired than normal and needs to rest. Having extra income during this time does help to serve them and our family (pay off student debt, boo!). However, if you are thinking about being a surrogate a couple times 'to make extra cash' I have a feeling you would run far away once you start the weeks of hormone injections/shots needed for IVF!!! Being pregnant is a 24 hour a day job. Worrying about baby, vitamins, heating up lunch meat, swelling...I could think of a lot better ways to make money! How funny we forget all that the moment they are born Ok, not actually forget....but it makes it worth it!
Why don't they just adopt?
Why didn't I just adopt? Why did I try to have my own babies when there are thousands of babies that need to be adopted? I loved my husband and wanted to share that connection To say, "you couldn't get pregnant so give up on that dream" just seems like one of the most hateful and unloving things to say in the world. I believe adoption is such an amazing gift, I love and advocate for adoption...but I also know it is not for everyone. Maybe the mom had eggs saved before she had a hysterectomy and she wants to give them a chance? Maybe a couple tried to adopt and it fell through and they were left wounded? Maybe they aren't sure they can love another baby like they need to love it? Maybe they want to have a family from their DNA, someone who shares their characteristics? Honestly, I am not the person to ask in this field! I can't wait to know the couples story and journey and hopefully be able to share that with you all!
What are you going to tell your kids? Wont they be confused?
I plan to say, "sometimes mommies need to help other mommies". My babies are 3 and 20 months and they are too young to understand everything. Kids are pretty simple, they like simple answers. We want to be wise and not ever harm or confuse our children and eventually we can talk about it, share pictures, stories and things! My kids trust what I say is the truth. I want to always seek that I be open, honest, truthful, and building up. These are our children- no one loves them and wants what is best for them the way we do.
What if these people are child predators or trying to sell kids?
Blame my mom on asking that question, lol. At first I just rolled my eyes at her. The more I thought about it...the more of a legitimate concern I guess that could be. Intending parents are screened as extensively as a surrogate. Their screening process includes background checks, driving records, seminar, a 6 hour introductory counseling session, and medical history to prove they have tried everything possible to have a baby on their own.
What did/does your husband think/say about this?!
Well, his FIRST response was, "that doesn't surprise me". Not that I try to make my husbands life difficult, but I do throw a lot of stuff at him! I like to say, 'keep him on his toes'. Chris is so laid back and gentle....and I am just not. Bless his heart.
Soooo
At first he didn't take me seriously and thought it was another crazy idea
Weeks later he asked a few questions about logistics
Then he pulled away and needed time to pray and sit on it
Finally he made me talk to the pastor to make sure we wouldn't harm the church in any way and to make sure I had his supportHe requested that I start this blog so I could share my heart and our journey
Now, he has my back :) and yes, still thinks it's a weird concept
Personally, it is so hard for me to filter what I say! You will laugh if you know me, because this is so true. I have tried my entire life to stop my tounge from saying things I think. Daily struggle here, especially in confrontation. Loving Jesus and loving my reserved husband has taught me to speak encouragingly and build others up with my mouth. Actually God, changing my heart after I have made myself keep my mouth shut, has made the difference. Now, it's much easier that my heart isn't filled with nasty things to say nasty things.. BUT woe to the person who went behind our backs and called one of our pastors to discuss my desire to be a surrogate and his 'concern for me and moral decisons' and then to encourage him to talk to us about the harm it could do.
Woe to you because you were supposed to be a friend. Woe to you because you didn't trust our judgement as followers of Christ, and woe to you that you disrespected my husband and didn't trust his capabilities and the leadership of HIS family. I submit to the Lord first, and then my husband. Rant over.
Seriously, I have the most amazing husband ever. He has my back.
And my pastor said, "wasn't Mary a surrogate?" Sweet man.
What does the Bible say about surrogacy?
I love Jesus; I am not a Bible scholar. There are a lot of things that can be taken out of context if you do not know the history, audience, culture, and circumstances of what scripture is teaching. However, I have been blessed with a lot of strong and solid Christians in my life who have studied scripture formally and I can turn to for answers and explinations. There is so much involved in this question, and so many arguments that can be made. I don't feel that it is wise of me to debate every detail of the process, or be on the defensive end with this question. I do not desire for this blog to have arguments and tearing down from both side.s.
There are things that God calls forbids and calls sin, there are things that are not sin but God tells us to be cautious about, and there are things that are not sinful but are also not addressed. We have to use our best judgement to align our actions with what scripture teaches.
Paul teaches about the 'meat laws' in Romans chapter 14. Before Jesus, who was the perfect sacrifice that covered all of our past, present, and future sins, people in this time had to sacrifice animals. God is holy, He required a blood sacrifice to cover the sins of His people.
So here is the problem- what do we do with all this meat that is dead?! I mean it's laying in the middle of the street...do we eat it? If it's put on Krogers shelf....can I buy it? I mean, it was supposed to be a sacrifice right....not something we just kill and eat? So people are arguing and asking Paul what to do! Some say, "yes I have no problem eating it-i'm frugal" and others say, "no way Hosea"! Paul essentially says, "if it is a conviction for you to eat the meat then it would be a sin for you to do so. If you have no conviction, then eat the meat it is not a sin against God. Whatever you do, don't fight over this! Do not judge your brother and tear him down if he has no conviction on the subject"
Like the meat on the day that Paul is addressing, surrogacy is a gray issue. Verse 6 sums up the entire chapter for me. Surrogacy can be beneficial and a blessing to the person doing it as praise to The lord...just as not doing it can be beneficial and praise to The lord. The key is not letting it become a stumbling block to those around us. Also, being fully convinced of ones own convictions is a must.
So, if you are not fully convinced you should not judge. If you are fully convinced do not quarrel or treat with contempt with the one who is!
14 Accept the one whose faith is weak, without quarreling over disputable matters. 2 One person’s faith allows them to eat anything, but another, whose faith is weak, eats only vegetables. 3 The one who eats everything must not treat with contempt the one who does not, and the one who does not eat everything must not judge the one who does, for God has accepted them. 4 Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.
5 One person considers one day more sacred than another; another considers every day alike. Each of them should be fully convinced in their own mind. 6 Whoever regards one day as special does so to the Lord. Whoever eats meat does so to the Lord, for they give thanks to God; and whoever abstains does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God. 7 For none of us lives for ourselves alone, and none of us dies for ourselves alone. 8 If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. 9 For this very reason, Christ died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of both the dead and the living.
10 You, then, why do you judge your brother or sister[? Or why do you treat them with contempt? For we will all stand before God’s judgment seat. 11 It is written:
“‘As surely as I live,’ says the Lord,
‘every knee will bow before me;
every tongue will acknowledge God.’”
12 So then, each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.
13 Therefore let us stop passing judgment on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in the way of a brother or sister. 14 I am convinced, being fully persuaded in the Lord Jesus, that nothing is unclean in itself. But if anyone regards something as unclean, then for that person it is unclean. 15 If your brother or sister is distressed because of what you eat, you are no longer acting in love. Do not by your eating destroy someone for whom Christ died. 16 Therefore do not let what you know is good be spoken of as evil. 17 For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking, but of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, 18 because anyone who serves Christ in this way is pleasing to God and receives human approval.
19 Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.20 Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All food is clean, but it is wrong for a person to eat anything that causes someone else to stumble. 21 It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or to do anything else that will cause your brother or sister to fall.
22 So whatever you believe about these things keep between yourself and God. Blessed is the one who does not condemn himself by what he approves. 23 But whoever has doubts is condemned if they eat, because their eating is not from faith; and everything that does not come from faith is sin.
What I do, I want to build others up. With my actions, I want to live and serve The Lord. When we meet the couple and have the day to spend together we will talk to them about their feelings. Being childless can be such a heavy burden to carry, but I also do not want to add any more hurt to this situation. I know there is pain and struggles to overcome, but I do not want the mother to feel envious, jealous, rejected, etc. that she is not the one carrying her baby. I want her to be at a place where she can be joyous and have this be a time for celebration. I want to help strengthen their family relationship and not cause it any damage!
Got more questions? I may have answers!
Pray. Love. Eat